Confession and Status of My Uterus

I am not sure where to begin. Let just say I am not pregnant and I want to be. I have this one coworker who asks me every single time I see him ... Am I knocked up yet?  I have had a rough time with this. Over the course of a year about 4 different related cousins gave birth. Either to their first (or twins) or second child and I am somewhat green with envy. Last year Sandro and I finally got to a point financially where we could try for another child. I got pregnant again after two months trying. (October) I was SO excited. I just felt like it was perfect timing and I would be joining all the other family members having babies. I was scared with anxiety of course because of my history. I found a midwife and a doula because of course I want to a natural birth like last time. At 12 weeks (12/12) I was to have my first midwife appointment. I started spotting the night before.  I was trying to stay positive because well I spotted last time and everything turned out well.

I go into the midwife appointment thinking everything is going to be fine. Well she tried the Doppler because usually by this point a heartbeat can be heard. Complete and utter silence. I knew something was wrong. She tried to do a u/s but it was external and she couldn't see anything. So she sent me off to get a internal u/s. Of course you know the results here...Just saw a empty sac and no baby. My heart was broken into a billion pieces all over again. 

So they told me to let it happen naturally. Since I was spotting my body was already trying to get rid the pregnancy on it's own. So I tried this route. I thought for sure it would be over by Christmas. That did not happen. It took almost a entire month for it to be over. Then 3 additional months for my cycle to return to normal. I won't go into details but lets just say it was probably the hardest Christmas and News Years for me mentally.

So after having this rather hard emotional m/c I decided to take a long break. I could not deal with the devastation of having another loss after seeing all my cousins having successful pregnancies. At the moment it appears that all babies that where meant to be born in 2013 have made their entrance. ;) So I booked two trips. One trip for when I was supposed to give birth and one for Christmas. I just not want a repeat of last years WORST Christmas ever. We are going to try again in the next couple of months but if we don't get lucky or if I have another m/c we plan to wait until after the new year to really get going on it. 

I have made the determination that I will not get all consumed by this like last time. So I set some ground rules.

1) No charting (other than to know when my period starts)

2) No Temping or ovulation Strips. 

3) No going into a complete panic if I don't get knocked up right away. 

4) No getting excited if I get knocked up. 

5) Once I do get KU...I am setting an appointment for as early as possible to make sure it's a viable. I am talking 7 weeks. No more waiting until 12 weeks. 

6) If it's not viable I am not going to get all upset about it. I know lots of people who have been through this. I will just have to try again. 

I am not saying all of this will happen like I want. I am a emotional person in general. I feel like I have over the last 7 months I have returned to myself again. I am no longer sad when I hear announcements of other people pregnancies. I am no longer envious and bitter like I was before. I feel like I am emotionally ready to consider the possibilities again. 

To end this post I must say I did not confess this to get sympathy from anyone. Mainly for support and just to put something in writing. So please don't post how sorry you feel for me. This is not a sad moment but a happy moment. I can get through this. I know I can. 

-SJ