So while I love being a mom I am having a bit of the baby blues. Maybe post partum depression but mostly a funk that I get when I am hormonal during my period. I feel like this heavy curtain of sadness is keeping me from being positive and making me feel really selfish. Not really making me feel selfish but is making me selfish. My BS tolerance is on the lowest level imaginable and I hate that I can't seem to force myself out of this funk. I am crying at leat 2-3 times a day over stupid stuff and I am just not patient with anybody but baby Sophia.
I think my fustration stems from this whole breastfeeding thing. While it's gotten easier for me I am still not producing enough milk for baby girl. I still have to supplement with formula and this makes me really fustratated. I have tried multiple natural remedies and nothing seems to be helping. Especailly at night when she is the super hungry. She can go through 6 oz of formula on top of getting milk from the boob. I started pumping after each session and I am only geting drops still. While can't I be a lucky one and produce a ton of milk. I hear stories of woman whohave a over production of milk. But me...with my large storage houses can't get enough even to satisfy her needs. So I cry a lot about that. Which I know isn't helping but I just had this vision that I would be enough for her and having to give her formula is just really getting to me. I guess this has to come from my stubborness and my need for prefection in every thing I do. This I know is unhealthy and the stress will only make it worse.
I am also going a little stir crazy sitting her waiting for her to wake up or to the next feeding. I never realized how my life would change in this respect. I know this is part of the package and I get that. But I ready for some of the fun stuff. Like her smiling, or her hugging me, or her actually needing more than just food from me. All I get at the current moment is change my diaper, feed me and sooth me from crying. So currently I sit and wait for the next feeding where I am being let down by my breasts. So it's a endless cyle.
The only good news to report is that I am 7.5 pounds away from my pre-pregancy weight. I have almost lost 30 pounds in a matter of two weeks. I am not trying of course but at least the little breastfeeding I am doing is helping me in this area. It's funny I am eating whatever I want and Sandro is insisting on me eating more to hopefully up my calorie intake. I am not a big eater anymore so food really doesn't sound appealing.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Sophia Genelle Juric has arrived. Natural Birth Story
The short version: Woke up to a ton mucus on the morning of October 15th at 3:00 a.m. Contractions began and my water broke about 3:30 a.m. I was already 5 cm dilated and my previous appointment the day before. I labored at home until 6:50 ish and then we went to the hospital. When I got to the the hospital I was 7 cm dilated stretched and fully effaced. I labored drug free until 12:00 or so with no progress. They started me on pitocin at the lowest level possible and I was dilated to 9 1/2 cm with in 1 hour 45 mins. I labored drug free and gave birth to Sophia at 2:40 pm. She weighed 8 pounds 2.8 ounces and was perfectly healthy.
Long Version:
At my 37 week appointment I was measuring 3 CM dilated 85% effaced. Which was a bit out of the norm for a first time mom. Then the next week I was measuring 4 CM dilated and 90% effaced. That next weekend I started laboring and I had gone to the hospital because the doctor told me I could have a fast delivery. I was just under 39 weeks so they admited me because I was dilated to 5 CM. The contractions stopped or weren't progressing. They offered to break my water but I really wanted to have a natural child birth and I knew if my water was broken unnaturally before it was time and the contractions did not increase that I would have to be induced. I was not ready for this. So I opted to go home. I ended up working from home for the majority of the week and try to relax and get some rest. I knew that this birth was about to begin and I really wanted to be ready mentally and physically.
On the Thursday morning at 3:00 a.m. I awoke to the largest amount of mucus I had ever seen. It looked like a screen from Ghostbusters. It just kept coming out. Then contractions started. They where not strong and were just very mild but regular. We used are practiced relaxation techniques and tried to sleep through them as I knew it could be false labor like below. Then I told DH that I felt like I just peed myself and I got up and ran to the toilet. He told me he heard the pop but I wasn't sure. I just felt like this huge leak had started and I was so anxious about laboring in bed. DH covered it was extra sheets and we continued on. Being that I was 5 cm from the previous appointment we thought we should go ahead and head to the hospital. In retrospect I wish I had waited a few more hours as I knew that I would be fine to labor from home even with my water broken for about 12 hours. Plus I was very relaxed and the contractions where not over the top. While they hurt, it wasn't as bad as I thought.
When we got to the hospital the checked me and I was 7 cm dilated stretched. I labored on and off being monitored for about 4 hours. It didn't seem that long but I guess I was. They started to push pitocin as if it was best for the baby and that I could stall out and I would have to have a caesarean. As a compromise I asked to labor one more hour without it. I was managed the pain just fine and I wasn't interested in intensifying this pain. Well they checked me again in a hour and it appeared I still wasn't progressing. I was disappointed because I didn't want to start pit but after talking with my DH we decided for just a small amount. To insure that I could stand and move around while I labored I had a internal monitor put on the baby's head. Not sure what exactly the term was for it but it allowed for me to move from the bed and move and sway like I was doing previously. They started me at a 1 and not even 5 mins into it the contractions intensified to whole other level. They went from every 3 to 5 mins to 2 mins and increased in length. It was so much pain and the nurse kept trying to increase the pit to level 2.
I begged her to wait and check me before she did because at the moment I was in so much pain and I was feeling the urge to push. Like I had to poop at that very moment. I had to negotiate yet again but I knew I was almost ready. She checked me about 1 hr and 20 mins after the pit started and you guessed it I was 9 1/2 CM dilated with only a small lip in the way. She told me to calm down and stay controlled and she called the Dr. My doctor was out of the office so I had to get the on call doctor. She got there 10 mins later and tried to move the lip and stretch me to a 10. She also tried to push to increase the pit on me but I told her no. I didn't want to do that. I got to 10 cm dilated and I felt this over need to poop. I held it the best I could. Then the pushing began. I was a little disappointed that I was only allow to give birth in one position. I really was planning on squatting and laboring on my side in a squat. I did not want to give birth in stir ups on my back. Being I had full control over my body and wasn't dopped up my legs where incredibly strong. They kept trying to hold my legs back but my body naturally went into defense mode and I was resisting and kicking the nurses off of me. They kept on giving me instructions and correcting me after each time I pushed and it was just pissing me off. I think because they are so used to woman getting a epidural and where woman has no control over their legs that they expected me just follow all the same procedures. The only thing that really got me pushing correctly (well to them) they tried the towel trick where someone held/provided resistance and told me to pull with all my might forcing me to push with the proper muscles in my back side. After pushing for about a hour and 45 mins baby girl made her appearance. She came out with one contraction and two separate pushes.
In order to finish up quickly they move the Pit to 2 and I delivered the placenta. Though Sandro tells me that the doctor pulled on the cord to assit. I didn't feel it but that freaked me out because I didn't want assistance as this can lead to retained tissue. While she was sewing she told me it looked like I had a third degree tear..but after she got in there it was only a second degree tear. I felt it all. While she started to sew me up I couldn't focus and kept moving. I just wanted to hold Sophia and I only got to hold her the once for what I felt like 5 secs. So I begged them to bring her back and I would let them sew me up. I was emotional and I wanted my baby. Maybe a bit of a drama queen. She was so beautiful...so alert. It was so touching and I felt so empowered and strong to make it through childbirth. So that part of the experience was there.
Things I learned about myself.
1) I am really strong and very proud of myself for taking care of myself through this pregnancy and for having the labor we planned.
2) I hate pitocin. It made my contractions so intense. I wish I didn't use it to get further along as it really made the end difficult for me to control.
3) Our next birth will not be in a hositpal. I would like to have a midwife and a at home birth or use a birthing center. There are so many procedures that have to be followed at a hospital and I left begging to leave and impatient with waiting on each procedure that had to be preformed. Also I hated not being about to push in a position that felt more natural. My legs hated being forced to stay this way.
4) While not everything went exactly as planned I felt so in control of the experience. With that I felt empowered.
5) I would have done it all again and I love being a mom.
So far I am still recovering. I am a little sore when I walk. Mainly I think my muscles got pulled out of their normal position. The bleeding has slowed down. I still can't poop regular yet. But overall it was a semi fast recovery. I am down about 18 pounds of the 33 I gained. I bet in about a week I feel better.
Being a mother is very challenging so far. Mainly because I am still learning what our child signals are and how to respond. Baby girl is very healthy but she is having a little problem not getting enough food. For the last two nights she has kept me up all night wanting food. While I breastfeed my milk hasn't fully come through...so in the evenings I am bone dry. I need the evenings to rest so I can start producing milk. Her weight was 15% less than it was at birth so the doctor has asked me to supplement formulla especially when she doesn't appear to be getting enough. While it disappointed me I think it's for the best and her health is the most important. She is a little tongue tied and if this continues we will have to look on getting this corrected. It doesn't hurt when I breastfeed..other than the inital latch ... it gets numb and I am learning to do other things while she is working. ;) But we are not sure if this is why she isn't getting enough. So we will have to wait and see.
Sorry for my super long update.
Here are some pics!
Long Version:
At my 37 week appointment I was measuring 3 CM dilated 85% effaced. Which was a bit out of the norm for a first time mom. Then the next week I was measuring 4 CM dilated and 90% effaced. That next weekend I started laboring and I had gone to the hospital because the doctor told me I could have a fast delivery. I was just under 39 weeks so they admited me because I was dilated to 5 CM. The contractions stopped or weren't progressing. They offered to break my water but I really wanted to have a natural child birth and I knew if my water was broken unnaturally before it was time and the contractions did not increase that I would have to be induced. I was not ready for this. So I opted to go home. I ended up working from home for the majority of the week and try to relax and get some rest. I knew that this birth was about to begin and I really wanted to be ready mentally and physically.
On the Thursday morning at 3:00 a.m. I awoke to the largest amount of mucus I had ever seen. It looked like a screen from Ghostbusters. It just kept coming out. Then contractions started. They where not strong and were just very mild but regular. We used are practiced relaxation techniques and tried to sleep through them as I knew it could be false labor like below. Then I told DH that I felt like I just peed myself and I got up and ran to the toilet. He told me he heard the pop but I wasn't sure. I just felt like this huge leak had started and I was so anxious about laboring in bed. DH covered it was extra sheets and we continued on. Being that I was 5 cm from the previous appointment we thought we should go ahead and head to the hospital. In retrospect I wish I had waited a few more hours as I knew that I would be fine to labor from home even with my water broken for about 12 hours. Plus I was very relaxed and the contractions where not over the top. While they hurt, it wasn't as bad as I thought.
When we got to the hospital the checked me and I was 7 cm dilated stretched. I labored on and off being monitored for about 4 hours. It didn't seem that long but I guess I was. They started to push pitocin as if it was best for the baby and that I could stall out and I would have to have a caesarean. As a compromise I asked to labor one more hour without it. I was managed the pain just fine and I wasn't interested in intensifying this pain. Well they checked me again in a hour and it appeared I still wasn't progressing. I was disappointed because I didn't want to start pit but after talking with my DH we decided for just a small amount. To insure that I could stand and move around while I labored I had a internal monitor put on the baby's head. Not sure what exactly the term was for it but it allowed for me to move from the bed and move and sway like I was doing previously. They started me at a 1 and not even 5 mins into it the contractions intensified to whole other level. They went from every 3 to 5 mins to 2 mins and increased in length. It was so much pain and the nurse kept trying to increase the pit to level 2.
I begged her to wait and check me before she did because at the moment I was in so much pain and I was feeling the urge to push. Like I had to poop at that very moment. I had to negotiate yet again but I knew I was almost ready. She checked me about 1 hr and 20 mins after the pit started and you guessed it I was 9 1/2 CM dilated with only a small lip in the way. She told me to calm down and stay controlled and she called the Dr. My doctor was out of the office so I had to get the on call doctor. She got there 10 mins later and tried to move the lip and stretch me to a 10. She also tried to push to increase the pit on me but I told her no. I didn't want to do that. I got to 10 cm dilated and I felt this over need to poop. I held it the best I could. Then the pushing began. I was a little disappointed that I was only allow to give birth in one position. I really was planning on squatting and laboring on my side in a squat. I did not want to give birth in stir ups on my back. Being I had full control over my body and wasn't dopped up my legs where incredibly strong. They kept trying to hold my legs back but my body naturally went into defense mode and I was resisting and kicking the nurses off of me. They kept on giving me instructions and correcting me after each time I pushed and it was just pissing me off. I think because they are so used to woman getting a epidural and where woman has no control over their legs that they expected me just follow all the same procedures. The only thing that really got me pushing correctly (well to them) they tried the towel trick where someone held/provided resistance and told me to pull with all my might forcing me to push with the proper muscles in my back side. After pushing for about a hour and 45 mins baby girl made her appearance. She came out with one contraction and two separate pushes.
In order to finish up quickly they move the Pit to 2 and I delivered the placenta. Though Sandro tells me that the doctor pulled on the cord to assit. I didn't feel it but that freaked me out because I didn't want assistance as this can lead to retained tissue. While she was sewing she told me it looked like I had a third degree tear..but after she got in there it was only a second degree tear. I felt it all. While she started to sew me up I couldn't focus and kept moving. I just wanted to hold Sophia and I only got to hold her the once for what I felt like 5 secs. So I begged them to bring her back and I would let them sew me up. I was emotional and I wanted my baby. Maybe a bit of a drama queen. She was so beautiful...so alert. It was so touching and I felt so empowered and strong to make it through childbirth. So that part of the experience was there.
Things I learned about myself.
1) I am really strong and very proud of myself for taking care of myself through this pregnancy and for having the labor we planned.
2) I hate pitocin. It made my contractions so intense. I wish I didn't use it to get further along as it really made the end difficult for me to control.
3) Our next birth will not be in a hositpal. I would like to have a midwife and a at home birth or use a birthing center. There are so many procedures that have to be followed at a hospital and I left begging to leave and impatient with waiting on each procedure that had to be preformed. Also I hated not being about to push in a position that felt more natural. My legs hated being forced to stay this way.
4) While not everything went exactly as planned I felt so in control of the experience. With that I felt empowered.
5) I would have done it all again and I love being a mom.
So far I am still recovering. I am a little sore when I walk. Mainly I think my muscles got pulled out of their normal position. The bleeding has slowed down. I still can't poop regular yet. But overall it was a semi fast recovery. I am down about 18 pounds of the 33 I gained. I bet in about a week I feel better.
Being a mother is very challenging so far. Mainly because I am still learning what our child signals are and how to respond. Baby girl is very healthy but she is having a little problem not getting enough food. For the last two nights she has kept me up all night wanting food. While I breastfeed my milk hasn't fully come through...so in the evenings I am bone dry. I need the evenings to rest so I can start producing milk. Her weight was 15% less than it was at birth so the doctor has asked me to supplement formulla especially when she doesn't appear to be getting enough. While it disappointed me I think it's for the best and her health is the most important. She is a little tongue tied and if this continues we will have to look on getting this corrected. It doesn't hurt when I breastfeed..other than the inital latch ... it gets numb and I am learning to do other things while she is working. ;) But we are not sure if this is why she isn't getting enough. So we will have to wait and see.
Sorry for my super long update.
Here are some pics!
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Weekly Post
How far along? 38 Weeks
Total weight gain/loss: Up 33 pounds. Last appointment I went down a pound from the previous weeks appointment.
Sleep: Some nights I sleep like a rock. I still use the restroom sometimes several times a night. But I still manage to fall asleep.
Best moment this week: Really feeling like I am about done with the nursery. We have one item left to get but it will take about a week to get here. It should help with the storage problem I have been having. I was so nice to see a the room in a almost finished state. Looks at pictures to the right. They are in my slideshow.
Movement: Movements are less but I think it has to do with her size. She loves to kick my bladder though. I have to poke her to stop sometimes I think that just makes her kick me harder. She is smart like that!
Food cravings: Pumpkin Pie. I went out and bought all the ingredients. I managed to eat three pieces yesterday. Whoops! :) It was so good. It least it has fiber!
Labor Signs: Per my 37 wk Dr's appointment I am progressing. 3 cm dilated 80% effaced
What I miss:I think I am missing my mom and girl time. No offense to Sandro it's a bit hard for me to admit but sometimes I wish I had a cool chick to hang out with or someone to shop with who actually liked to shopped. Sandro is sorta anti shopping.
What I am looking forward to: Meeting our baby girl in 2-4 weeks.
Weekly Wisdom: Even if you a dilating it does not mean that your baby is coming early. You can stay in the same position for several weeks. Most first time pregnancies are 42 weeks on average.
Milestones:I have one big milestone left and that is delivering our baby...or getting to the estimated delivery date.
All together!
Total weight gain/loss: Up 33 pounds. Last appointment I went down a pound from the previous weeks appointment.
Sleep: Some nights I sleep like a rock. I still use the restroom sometimes several times a night. But I still manage to fall asleep.
Best moment this week: Really feeling like I am about done with the nursery. We have one item left to get but it will take about a week to get here. It should help with the storage problem I have been having. I was so nice to see a the room in a almost finished state. Looks at pictures to the right. They are in my slideshow.
Movement: Movements are less but I think it has to do with her size. She loves to kick my bladder though. I have to poke her to stop sometimes I think that just makes her kick me harder. She is smart like that!
Food cravings: Pumpkin Pie. I went out and bought all the ingredients. I managed to eat three pieces yesterday. Whoops! :) It was so good. It least it has fiber!
Labor Signs: Per my 37 wk Dr's appointment I am progressing. 3 cm dilated 80% effaced
What I miss:I think I am missing my mom and girl time. No offense to Sandro it's a bit hard for me to admit but sometimes I wish I had a cool chick to hang out with or someone to shop with who actually liked to shopped. Sandro is sorta anti shopping.
What I am looking forward to: Meeting our baby girl in 2-4 weeks.
Weekly Wisdom: Even if you a dilating it does not mean that your baby is coming early. You can stay in the same position for several weeks. Most first time pregnancies are 42 weeks on average.
Milestones:I have one big milestone left and that is delivering our baby...or getting to the estimated delivery date.
Me at 37 weeks. I was too lazy to take a picture for 38 wk..
Sandro working on our wall decal. Took him a hour to finish it. It came our prefect.
A finished project. Can you tell how these where made? Lets just say it costs me less than $20 dollars.
All together!
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