So while I love being a mom I am having a bit of the baby blues. Maybe post partum depression but mostly a funk that I get when I am hormonal during my period. I feel like this heavy curtain of sadness is keeping me from being positive and making me feel really selfish. Not really making me feel selfish but is making me selfish. My BS tolerance is on the lowest level imaginable and I hate that I can't seem to force myself out of this funk. I am crying at leat 2-3 times a day over stupid stuff and I am just not patient with anybody but baby Sophia.
I think my fustration stems from this whole breastfeeding thing. While it's gotten easier for me I am still not producing enough milk for baby girl. I still have to supplement with formula and this makes me really fustratated. I have tried multiple natural remedies and nothing seems to be helping. Especailly at night when she is the super hungry. She can go through 6 oz of formula on top of getting milk from the boob. I started pumping after each session and I am only geting drops still. While can't I be a lucky one and produce a ton of milk. I hear stories of woman whohave a over production of milk. But me...with my large storage houses can't get enough even to satisfy her needs. So I cry a lot about that. Which I know isn't helping but I just had this vision that I would be enough for her and having to give her formula is just really getting to me. I guess this has to come from my stubborness and my need for prefection in every thing I do. This I know is unhealthy and the stress will only make it worse.
I am also going a little stir crazy sitting her waiting for her to wake up or to the next feeding. I never realized how my life would change in this respect. I know this is part of the package and I get that. But I ready for some of the fun stuff. Like her smiling, or her hugging me, or her actually needing more than just food from me. All I get at the current moment is change my diaper, feed me and sooth me from crying. So currently I sit and wait for the next feeding where I am being let down by my breasts. So it's a endless cyle.
The only good news to report is that I am 7.5 pounds away from my pre-pregancy weight. I have almost lost 30 pounds in a matter of two weeks. I am not trying of course but at least the little breastfeeding I am doing is helping me in this area. It's funny I am eating whatever I want and Sandro is insisting on me eating more to hopefully up my calorie intake. I am not a big eater anymore so food really doesn't sound appealing.
11 comments:
Hang in there, Stephanie! I'm sure you're doing a great job.
I know you are a great Momma! The fact that you are so worried over it shows how much you care.
ps. Sophia is gorgeous.
Hey Lady,
I went through the same exact thing. Tried every natural remedy on the market and finally at six weeks went straight to formula all while Mack had colic! If I had it to do over, I would do whatever made me happiest. Happy momma= happy baby.
If you are dedicated to BFing then there is definitely help out there - tons of stuff on the internet and plenty of LCs. If not, then don't beat yourself up about it. It's not the end of the world or the end of the health of sweet baby Sophia.
As for the baby blues, I promise it gets better. You've just gone through a major life change. MAJOR! Cut yourself some slack, tell S he needs to step up - although I am sure he is super attentive to yours and Sophia's needs. Don't be afraid to ask for help from family & friends. They don't mind doing things for you at all.
Soak up your time with this baby because she's only tiny like this for a few short weeks and then she rocks your world with her growth and advancement. You'll find yourself wondering, "How did she learn that?!"
Many virtual hugs to you - I have walked in your shoes only 4 months ago and I remember those days vividly - crying because your baby is crying, crying because you can't pump enough milk, crying because you haven't showered in 3 days.
It gets better, I promise. People would tell me this & I would think, "What do they know?" but then it DID get better.
Feel free to e-mail me or facebook me if you have questions about the BF. I feel like I tried everything out there!
the fact that you can put it out there, how hard it is on you right now, is strength in and of itself. your baby girl adores you already and though you may feel like a receptacle right now, you're building a relationship that will beat your fantasy by a mile.
you're a great mama, stephanie! you have tons of support and can do this! if you need some time, or some help, or a shower - ask your friends and family, as there is no shame in needing a nap! i'm sure they'd jump at the chance.
I just wanted to give you some virtual hugs...hang in there Mama! (((HUGS)))
I'm SO sorry you are going through this. I went through PP depression/anxiety which I am almost certain was brought on by my inability to nurse Harper. It was a major blow and something I struggled to make work for 2 months.
You have to do what will make YOU happy. If pushing on and continuing to try is what will do that, then seek help - there is a prescription that can help (it didn't for me, but it does for others).
And if you can't shake the funk, don't be afraid to ask for medication that will help level you out and bring yourself back. I tried walks, getting out the house for fresh air and a change of scenery, but had to eventually get help and am still on meds or else I slip back. It's a major life change and one not many share the hardships of in the beginning.
Hang in there and take care of yourself. Sleep when you can. And kiss and love on Sophia while she sleeps a ton. She will eventually get to the smiles/laughs and you'll wonder where all the time went.
Aww, Stephanie, first of all - Sophia is beautiful!
Secondly - you are a great mommy. I won't even pretend to know what you are going through, so I will just tell you that you have support from so many friends if you ever need anything.
:)
Just do what you can with what you have been given. Life is never perfect. Your a great Mom and Sophia is very lucky to have you. Enjoy the miracle that has been given to you. I am so proud of you and I love you too!!!!
Thanks for all the support ladies. I am feeling a little better lately. This whole motherhood thing is all new for me and I see myself learning to accept the things I can't do perfect and just love on Sophia as much as I can.
Ditto all of the above. It doesn't make you any less of a mother if give her formula. You have to make sure *you* are okay, because she can sense when you are stressed. Take care of yourself, and don't be afraid to ask for help, be it from your doctor, Sandro or family & friends. You are doing a great job, and that beautiful girl is lucky to have such a great Mommy! *hugs!*
One thing that La Leche League has taught me is that if you do supplement with formula, the more formula you give your baby the less breast milk you produce. What helped me was pumping after every feeding. After Ethan got his frenulum snipped, he began to suckle correctly. Oh, and the hospital grade breast pump is your best bet. It is the closest to your baby's stimulation. Anyway, don't give up! I pumped and pumped and after awhile I began to produce more and more. Ethan had a very bad allergic reaction to formula once (his face was extremely red and puffy) and I nursed him and it immediately went away. After that, I never gave him formula again. Not to say everything went perfectly, because I was unable to wean him from the breast shield I used, so I had to use one the entire time he nursed.
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