Miscarriage

The saddest thing possible is about to happen the doctor told me. The fetus didn't have a heartbeat and only measured 6 weeks. The heartbeat should be able to be seen at week 4. No fetal pole. I know for a fact when my last period was and I know there is no chance that this pregnancy will last. I go in for another ultrasound next Monday to confirm. Then most likely they will preform a d/c. My heart is breaking and I am crying uncontrollably. I will be staying home from work today. Nobody need to be around this mess. Sandro is taking real good care of me.

Mac & Cheese

So I found a way that Sandro would allow me one main cravings Mac & Cheese. While it's still not the most healthiest of alternatives it tastes pretty darn good. It's Annie's Organic Mac and Cheese. All natural ingredients and nothing I can't pronounce. It has about half of the fat as the blue box Mac and cheese and takes only 10 minutes to make. I found it at Costco in bulk. :) It's not to far from the real thing and will cure my craving. Today is the first Dr's appointment. I hoping for good results. Hopefully we can see the baby's heartbeat today.

German Chocolate Cake = Fail

So yesterday I tried to make the German Chocolate Pound Cake again. I know the reason that I burnt the last one...The temperature should have been 300 not 350. Well I had it prefect so I thought. All the way up to the last 30 minutes. Then it decided to EXPLODE in my oven. Yeah..literally explode. It was all over it. Of course that made it extremely difficult to attempt to turn it...so when I did..it fell apart. To a billion pieces and my oven smelled of burnt cake. I got up at 4:30 this morning and started the self cleaning. I didn't want to have burnt cake smell anymore. I think my pan either is not deep enough (which is possible) or my oven just hates me. Lets just say I cried myself to sleep because of this frustrating damn cake. I am thinking of just skipping it till I get a better pan and making fudge instead...and maybe some cookies.

Sandro of course is eating my exploded cake and says it takes much better than the burnt one. He is trying to get me to try it one more time. He says it's the best bake he ever had and insists on eating it.

Emotional Much!?

So this weekend I made the German Chocolate pound cake that my mom always bakes for Thanksgiving. I wanted to make it for my Grandmother because I think she likes it. However, it burnt on top. I have never burned anything and I cried like a baby for a least 1 half hour. Sandro says that it tastes great and insists on eating it. He is like you just take off the top and it's delicious. Do you guys see why I love this man? Seriously.

So today I was cooking my burrito. Well I must be on crack but I ended up burning that as well. At least this time I didn't cry. What the crap is wrong with me? I have 5 pies and to re-bake the pound cake again. I hope this burning pregnancy trend ends with this burrito.

On top of all that...I can not eat to much Mexican or I get sick. I freaking love Mexican food. Last night all I craved where cheese enchiladas. So we went out to Christina's Mexican grill. I was so excited since I hadn't had real enchiladas in a while. So I order the enchiladas...two cheese with rice and beans. Of course when I got the plate it was more like chili enchiladas..and they were massive. I wasn't expecting it. Well instead of portioning them out into to two meals I ate it all. Big mistake. I was rolling in pain by bedtime and Sandro made me drink prune juice.

I think the biggest positive is that I am regular for the time being. My body is slowly adjusting to the hormones and I am not having the problems I had initially. That doesn't mean I can't stay on top of eating as much fiber as possible. I think that helps a ton. Plus the occasional metamucil.

Yesterday I purchased my first baby related purchase. I got me a sleep bra. Just a light support maternity bra I can sleep in that will semi hold my boobs in place. Last night I actually slept better and my boobs hurt less today. All good signs.

Homemade Nachos = Bad Idea

Not sure what it was...even for a healthier version of nachos...(black beans, extra extra lean meat, organic chips and cheese) my stomach could not handle it last night. Lets just say that you can run a car of the fumes I was expelling from my ass in the middle of the night. My stomach felt like it was going to explode and I was wishing just just puke it all up because I was in so much pain. Not sure if it was the spices or if it was the beans that ignited that fire but man..let just say I am happy that it didn't continue this morning. Though I am still gassy ( I guess this is part of being pregnant) I don't feel like I did last night.

Baby Names

Vending Machine hates me

So breakfast is my weakness when it comes to eating. I think taking my prenatal at night..right before I lay my head to sleep, makes me super hungry and super thirsty the next morning. The thirsty issue is not the problem, however the hungry issue is not a good thing. Especially for my wallet. Three times in the last two weeks I have been heading to our downstairs deli. This is the same deli that made me gain 30 pounds because they have a fantastic Crossiant Bacon Cheese Egg Sandwich...equates to about 1000 calories. However, I managed to avoid this wonderful beast...mainly because I am avoiding processed cheese and that is all that they offer. So instead I am getting two potato egg taco (no meat, no cheese) I figure it has to be a little better for me then eating a Crossiant Sandwich. Well two taco's aren't so bad really...it's $3.00. Not bad for breakfast...however times that by 3 and it's $9 in just two weeks. For all that know me well, they know how cheap I am. So that is a bit much on breakfast in my opinion. I could by two dinners with $10 bucks.

So on to why the vending machine hates me. So instead of indulging in my tacos this morning I decided I can find something in the vending machine for cheaper. I had exactly $1 dollars worth of quarters so I eyed the Strawberry pop tarts. Surely my childhood favorite would appease my rumbling stomach. I dropped my coins in. The machine kept returning them to me. I repeated this about 5 times. Then the machine had enough and decided to keep my one of my quarters. So I think...maybe that quarter was accounted for and if I continue to drop my other quarters they would be accounted for as well and I could get my freaking pop tarts. Well after trying another 5 times I gave up. I admit defeat. The machine wins..and I will take a step back (to my desk)...obviously those pop tarts weren't meant for me. So I am now at my desk eating dry shredded wheat and drinking organic hot cocoa ... and maybe a little later a banana.

P.S. I have enough stuff at home to make a healthy egg tacos (even with cheese) and I run out of time every morning. It's just so hard to get moving. I went to sleep at 8:30 last night...it's craziness.

P.S.S Obviously there is someone watching over me and knows that those pop tarts are not good for me and that is why I didn't get them.

Hello Bloat and Boobs

All I feel is bloated today. Yesterday wasn't too bad...but today I feel way bloated. Also my boobs are taking over literally. I have started to wear my bra..the one when I was 30 pounds heavier...it's big but way more comfortable.... however it doesn't work with some shirts so I have to wear the tighter one sometimes. Today it's a tighter day and I feel like my boobs are way to big for my body. So while I may not have morning sickness (or at least no puking) I have all the other symptoms.

Another Ticker

Another Ticker

Possible Formula to keep me Regular

Breakfast: Shredded Wheat (dry), Hot Cocoa
Lunch: Organic Whole Wheat Pasta w/Vodka Sauce...a sprinkle of cheese, chocolate milk
Snack: Dried Prunes
Dinner: Soft Tacos w/black beans and extra lean meat w/onions and garlic, a little cheese and sour cream
High dose of Metamucil

I don't think I can eat this everyday. But it did work..but made me extremely gassy. :( So far I can't get enough of flour tortillas. Not the healthiest of cravings but it could be worse.

My Symptoms - The gross stuff

Well I haven't puked yet and that is awesome. But I am queasy nonetheless. I have been constipated and I think my bottom is swollen maybe from hemorrhoids. Sandro has been great about it. Forcing me to get high fiber foods and take Metamucil to get me regular. So far this has only given me gas for the most part.

"Constipation is another common early symptom of pregnancy. An increase in progesterone causes food to pass more slowly through the intestines — which can lead to constipation." From the Mayo Clinic website. Also, I am sure in the new crazy amount iron in my prenatal vitamin. So I feel this may be a good sign at least my body produces the progesterone hormone. I will have to wait until I see the doctor to see if senokat is okay to use as well as some sort of hemorrhoid cream to ease the my swollen big butt.

Here are few other symptoms I am experiencing...also from the mayo clinic website.

Tender, swollen breasts

Your breasts may provide one of the first symptoms of pregnancy. As early as two weeks after conception, hormonal changes may make your breasts tender, tingly or sore. Or your breasts may feel fuller and heavier.

Fatigue

Fatigue also ranks high among early symptoms of pregnancy. During early pregnancy, levels of the hormone progesterone soar. In high enough doses, progesterone can put you to sleep. At the same time, lower blood sugar levels, lower blood pressure and increased blood production may team up to sap your energy.


Nausea with or without vomiting


Morning sickness, which can strike at any time of the day or night, is one of the classic symptoms of pregnancy. For some women, the queasiness begins as early as two weeks after conception.


Nausea seems to stem at least in part from rapidly rising levels of estrogen, which causes the stomach to empty more slowly. Pregnant women also have a heightened sense of smell, so various odors — such as foods cooking, perfume or cigarette smoke — may cause waves of nausea in early pregnancy.


Mood swings


The flood of hormones in your body in early pregnancy can make you unusually emotional and weepy. Mood swings are also common, especially in the first trimester.


The mood swings one really cracks me up. I scare easily...as in if someone says boo I jump. Then my heart races for 20 minutes and it takes me time to calm down. This isn't normal for me. Also..I will cry at just about anything. Like Supernanny...cried the entire show. Not sure why..but tears. Sandro just laughs. When Sandro says...it's all in my head I go in to a screaming attack mode. That really drives me crazy when he says that. It's not as if I am making this all up.
So the question/or the assumption is...I am really having a baby?! Crazy.

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Make a pregnancy ticker

Today I feel..

Worried. Very worried. Also scared that I will be a bad mom. But mainly just worried. It's so early on and I am scared I will miscarriage. I am trying to stay positive and not think about it. At the same time I feel overly anxious about how this will all pan out. Do I have what it takes to be a mom? Will I be able to make it through this birth? This morning I was particularly grouchy with DH. For no reason really. Just not really liking the mornings much. My lack of focus is apparent and all I can think about is having this baby and the possibility that I may lose the baby. It seems that I both scared and worried and really anxious about what is to come. I guess you can add impatience to the list. Because I really feel that as well. We are almost at 5 week. I have 35 more weeks to go. It seems like a lifetime. I guess it's the fear of the unknown. I am such a control person and the fact that I have no idea what is happening inside me.

I think the hardest thing for me deal with right now is reading the 1st tri board. Every single time someone posts they had a m/c I think about how I am going to be next. Perhaps I just need to stop even reading the board for awhile. I just find it hard because I have nobody to really seek advice from or who is going through the same things. I did get a new book this weekend call The Girlfriends Guide to Pregnancy so far it's the best I have read regarding what I should be expecting in the next several months.

Pregency Test(s)

You would think after 3...I would realize I was pregnant. The middle one you could barely see. This is the first one I took and I questioned the results. I had it under my cabinet for over a year so there is no telling if it still worked. However, a line is a line. I said before I ran out to Target and got two different kinds. The top one is the target brand and the bottom is the name brand. Later that week I took another Target brand. Instant blue line. I guess this is real ehh? Ha!


Sandro and I are up way early. There was a time change on top of us going to sleep by 9. So we are both up at 6 a.m. Fantastic! I am sure I will have a nap later. Total I am 6 days late. I guess my period won't come after all. :)

Happy Halloween

So today I feel crampy. However, I have full energy. Not nearly as tried as I have been. So of course I get worried. Last night because I just help like it I took the pg test again. Again it was positive. And extremely bright blue this time. I have officially missed my period...31 days...3 days late. You still don't believe it. All the cramps I have been having feel like I am going to get my period. However, everywhere I have read this is completely normal in the first tri. Also, my good I feel constipated. I usually don't poop a lot...maybe 3 times a week total. However, I have this need and want to poop and it doesn't want to come out. My weight is 197.1 which is strange because that means I have lost 5 pounds since I have last checked. I feel super bloated so I feel 20 pounds heavier. All these weird things with my body. It's hard to explain how I am feeling.

What I learned....

So I think the caffeine headache has finally ended. I have discovered that living without caffeine isn't so hard. The headache only comes back if I have not got enough rest. It usually starts in the afternoon. Another to prevent it is to try a different project for a while or exercise. I am in indulging with the occasional herbal tea. It's not recommenced for pregnancy but it's caffeine free and I am just having a little in moderation.

What I think will miss the most is spicy food. I love spicy food, however even the mild food that I love so much gives me gas and cramps/stomach pain. Then I feel nauseous. Like last night I had my favorite Spinach Ravioli's. I woke up in at 4 with the worse gas pain I had ever felt. I will have to indulge in boring bland stuff for a while. Also, oatmeal in the morning. Yuck! Can not stomach it at all. So I am eating smaller meals like fruit and maybe around 10 I will try a protein bar.

Today I feel...

Better. However, extremely gassy. :( All day I feel like I am hungover and I am on a boat ride. My head is throbbing throughout the day and then I feel grossed out about eating. Not sure what is up with that. I do have a lot of fears though and while it's okay to have fears I hate being such a worrier. I think what is really hard for me to swallow are all these people on the 1st trimester board that have lost their baby. I have read the statistics and there is a 10% chance I could miscarriage. This is the primary reason why I haven't told the family yet. But I am dieing to. I feel so alone while I go through these first few weeks. Sandro is there but he doesn't have any idea what types of things I think about or how to deal with my emotions. Since this baby is somewhat an unexpected miracle I feel like there is a greater chance that something could go wrong. I keep telling myself it meant to be it will be.

The Ticker!

Since I gave up coffee...

I have been miserable. Maybe that was the wrong choice. But I know it's the right one. Sigh.

The unexpected.

Because I want to wait until I am past my 1st Dr. Appointment on December 1st I have created a blog that I plan to write in...even with small notes as patiently wait. To begin, Sandro and I where not technically trying to have a baby yet. We had had decided to wait another year. I have been using the FAM method as protection for over a year. This is basically a charting method. My body responds badly to birth control so FAM worked really nicely for me. I am not going to blame failure of getting pregnant on this method because I don't think it was a failed method. Honestly, I think my body and heart took matters into it's own hands. During the weeks before we found out I was having crazy pregnancies dreams. Also my cervical fluids where insane. I think my body and my heart wanted to have a baby...also I am sure with Sandro's determination that he wanted a child as well. So guess what ... we are pregnant.

At first I suspected something was a miss. I was like a time clock, I always start my period every 28 days...I have temperature shift downward at day 26...and then my period will begin two days later. So Sunday morning I took my temp as normal. High..a degree higher than usually..the same temp as the day before...so I had a old pg test under my sink I POAS. At first nothing was showing up...but I was closely watching...so I decided to lay back down for about 10 minutes...I come back to two pink lines. I was like WTF. Then I had to run to Target and get a few more...I got the name brand (with a coupon) and the generic. Came home and took the EPT at home. Not even two minutes later I get the same result as the previous one with clear distinct blue crossed lines. So of course I don't believe it so I go for a 3 and final time. Again instance results. Two blue lines. I have a picture I will put in here later. It's kinda of funny. I can't muster up the nerve to toss them just yet. They are still sitting there.

So already I am worrywart. I drank both on Thursday and Saturday. Equal to two beers and a shot. But still...I had no idea. Then I had coffee all weekend. Today is decided to give up my morning cup of Joe for a while. At least through first trimester. I feel like I am hungover and really just exhausted. Not sure if this is to the lack of caffeine or just my pregnancies symptoms coming through. I already started my prenatal vitamins and scheduled my initial appointments. I will have a sonogram on December 1st ($250 dollars wow!) and then a Dr. Appointment on December 16th. Both at 3:30. That seems to so far away. But thanksgiving would be my 8th week so they said it's best to wait until after that. Sandro is so excited. I am just praying for a healthy baby and pregnancy. Sandro and I have decided not to tell anybody, even close family, until after the first appointment. That is a long time to keep it a secret. But I would rather not worry about having a miscarriage and having to explain to everyone what happened. So overall...this will be a place they can read about what happened and about nerves going crazy.